Embracing the Toddler Years
Ahh, toddlerhood.
Whether you’re a parent or not, I would bet that a myriad of words come to mind at the mention of this magical age. Even if you don’t have kids of your own, I’m sure you have interacted with a toddler at one point or another and were able to quickly gain an impression of the wild range of emotions and behaviors that are exhibited at this stage.
I can also pretty much guarantee that you’ve heard of terms such as the “terrible two’s” and “threenager”. Regardless of labels or perceptions one might have surrounding 1-3 year olds, I want to challenge you today in shifting the approach you take in viewing these years, and, if possible, perhaps even *gasp* embrace them.
For me? Well, I’m smack dab in the middle of it. (…and serious respect goes out to those who have more than one in this stage at the same time. Can I buy you a coffee?!) Now, I’m not going to sugar coat anything or tell you to just ‘think differently’ about it and all will be peachy keen.
What I will tell you however, is that on my second go-around of this stage, I am learning something new; every. single. day. Is it easy? Absolutely not. But am I learning and growing alongside my toddler as we navigate all the big feelings involved in exploring this great big world? Absolutely yes.
I have a two-and-a-half year old daughter who is one of my greatest joys in life. She is also a main contributor to the increasing number of gray hairs on my head. (I wish I were kidding - how is this actually happening in my mid-thirties?!?). She is as strong-willed as she is adorable, and as hilarious as she is fearless. The thing is…she is night-and-day compared to my other daughter, and ESPECIALLY at this age. I’m guessing that her being born premature has played some sort of role in all of this, as preemies can be known for their “feistiness.”
I won’t list all of the ways they differ in behavior here, but I will say that I feel like I’m learning all over again and in a way, experiencing toddlerhood for the first time…again. When my five year old was two, it was actually my favorite age and I was confused by how anyone could coin the phrase “terrible two’s”. Thaaaat is until she turned three…BUT that’s a story for another day.
Toddlerhood is a relatively short period of time consisting of huge intellectual growth and developmental leaps, as they are learning new things at an exponential rate. As I embark on this adventure of raising an active toddler, I just want to share some insights I’ve gained over time, in hopes that perhaps they might add a bit of a shift in perspective as they have in mine.
If I had to sum up toddlerhood in the most basic sense, it would be that toddlers are explorers. Who can blame them? They are finally able to run around instead of crawling, they are starting to understand so much more than they did in infancy, and they are uber curious about how this thing called ‘life’ works on this giant spinning sphere. Let them explore.
Now, I know that this can sometimes lead them to getting into things that we don’t want them to or are not safe. But the key here is to allow them to explore, safely. It’s all part of the learning process.
This is one of the things I have learned to loosen the reins on a bit with my youngest, compared to my firstborn. While it’s always a learning curve for me, I know that exploration is a good and normal developmental practice.
In observing my daughters during the exploratory phase, I’ve noticed that their little brains are constantly making new connections. As adults, we don’t think twice about most of these things, as they are ingrained in our minds already. But for littles who discover how their actions affect the outcomes of other objects or processes, this is quite exciting…and often makes them want to repeat it. Or to try something new, in case it has an even more exciting result. This is where interaction with them is important, as offering support in acknowledging their efforts can be foundational in the continuation of their curiosity.
When it comes to things like tantrums, I have no magic solution for you that is going to instantly solve or prevent them from happening. But what I will offer is encouragement for you, mama. That you will keep in mind, this: they are not giving you a hard time; they are having a hard time. It is not a reflection of you, so no need to take it personally. Kids at this age have not yet developed the ability to properly regulate their emotions, as this is something that happens later on. I know just how difficult these can be, and we all know that kids have great timing of when these outbursts tend to occur (read: juuust kidding.) However, the biggest takeaway I’ve gained from my experience, is to have the mental shift of putting myself in their shoes. They are still so brand new to this great big world, so of course it’s going to be overwhelming at times, as they try to figure it all out. Heck, it still is for adults! So try to offer some grace and understanding, even when it may be the hardest thing to do in the moment. Kids can also easily pick up on our own emotions, so if you try your best to approach the situation in a calm manner, they will be more likely to calm down as well.
“...they are not giving you a hard time; they are having a hard time. ”
By allowing them the space and time to process their feelings with you, they are gaining skills in how to handle future disappointments in an effective manner. Of all the things that trigger tantrums, I’d say one of the more common sources of frustration comes down to lack of having their own say in the matter at hand. Toddlers are learning independence at this stage, and having choices is a game-changer for them! It can be the most subtle option, but when I offer my daughter a choice, her whole demeanor often changes instantly. Saying: “We need to brush your teeth now. Do you want to run or hop to the bathroom?” or “We have to leave the playground now. Do you want to go down the slide or on the swing one last time?” This leaves them feeling empowered. While this simple method is not going to work in every situation, I’m well aware; you’d be surprised at how many times it has offered relief in times of frustration or defiance.
Also, toddlers love to help.
It’s true. And I know what you’re thinking: “They’re not actually helping…if anything, it’s slowing me down.” I get it, I do. I’m not saying you should let them help you cook at the stove or anything like that. But even the smallest of tasks can give your toddler a sense of responsibility. My daughter loves to help me stir my coffee or whatever I’m baking. She also loves to ‘help’ sweep the floors with her toy broom. Make it simple and fun, and this will produce such a rewarding feeling for your little one!
If we enter the toddler years on the premise that it’s going to be “terrible”, I think that can set us up with this expectation that it’s all bad or that it’s only going to be bearable at best, right from the get-go. But it doesn’t actually have to be that way. What I’m discovering is that I am learning so much more alongside my daughters, when I allow myself to be a part of their world; exploring, making connections, taking (reasonable) risks, and being inquisitive.
I believe it is most definitely a challenging time for both kiddo and parent. But at the same time I wholeheartedly believe that it can be a time period to embrace. Allow yourself to have fun with them! As tired as we are of hearing this sentiment; time really does fly by. This stage won’t last forever, I promise. Please give yourself some grace, as well as to your little one who is simply curious about this immense universe they are discovering.
Toddlerhood is messy. It’s loud. It tests your patience. It’s frustrating. It’ll bring you to your knees some days.
It’s also… pretty incredible, if you think about it. And a stage that I am trying my best to be fully present for, because this time matters; for the both of us. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
